This is my three minute guide to life before and after my emergency craniotomy.  I wrote this sometime after the first year of recovery, as I was gaining a little bit of perspective…

Before

  1. Push hard. Set a goal, reach the goal, set a new one asap. 
  2. Wherever you are, it’s likely better somewhere else. Keep going.
  3. Due to your morning meditation practice, you are enlightened. Because of this, you do not need anyone and can do everything yourself.
  4. There is not enough time. Not only is there not enough time, but you are running out of time. Don’t ask why, just hurry up.
  5. Be frugal, be free! You don’t need anything! 
  6. You are badass. The fatigue you’re feeling means you’re out of shape. Push harder.
  7. Do not tell anyone your feet aren’t walking right. Anyway, it’s probably allergies.
  8. Actually, do not tell anyone anything.
  9. Ride your bike hands-free because that will prove you are fine. Go for a run! More proof.
  10. Go, go, go. Be awesome.

After

  1. Your neighbor knows how to cut hair and is eager to do something rad to highlight the Frankenstein stitches up the back of your skull. Take advantage of this.
  2. You will look forward to visits from almost anyone but after three minutes you’ll have to excuse yourself to take a nap. Or stay! It doesn’t matter because you do not understand anything they are saying and also, you will not remember the visit. 
  3. Steroids really are magic. But you still can’t ride your stationary bike 4 days after a craniotomy. 
  4. In fact, you can’t lean over, pick anything up, make a decision or figure out how to prepare a meal that is not a can of soup. This won’t end soon but if it makes you feel better, go ahead and pretend it will.
  5. You will often feel euphoric, blissful and happy to a degree you did not know was possible. Perhaps this is because you are so grateful to be alive but in all likelihood, it’s because most of your brain is offline, notably that 24/7 editorial part you don’t miss.
  6. Ask the next visitor to do a load of wash for you because sooner or later, you will run out of clean underwear. They don’t need to know how impossibly jumbled the simple process of doing a wash is for you.  Just say the doctor told you not to do laundry.
  7. Take walks. It’s important to walk a lot. And by a lot, I mean two blocks. Because then you will have to take a nap.
  8. They but unexpected anyway imagine can happen did you go slow go slow may have been possibly so what do you think? (Conversation will be a challenge for some time. Oh well!)
  9. Anything involving mental processing, which is basically everything, is way too complex. On the up side, things are sort of like when you were in college and you and your buds got so high and were laughing and no one had any idea what you were laughing at? That was awesome.
  10. Seriously, your brain does everything. If you injured a muscle in your leg, you would not sign up for a 10K. But your brain? You might be taking it for granted. Want to make a cup of coffee? Brain. Recount your day to your beloved? Brain. Remember who you are? Brain! Go, go, go slow.

 

sketch of my bike
It took a very long time– very long!–to get back to feeling comfortable on my bike again.